Contemporary Traditionalism?

So, I'm planning the worship for this year's Annual Conference of West Michigan United Methodist Churches. I'm taking one of the four days, and doing everything for it. I'm selecting the music, scheduling the musicians, laying out the transitions, and anything else that I forgot to mention. Annual Conference is, as the name would suggest, the yearly gathering of Pastors, Deacons, Bishops, etc from the Western Michigan conference. I've been told there will be around 800 or so attending this year. 

Anyways, I was asked to plan the worship for Sunday morning. I accepted and was very excited, until I remembered how traditional the United Methodist Church is, in general. The Annual Conference Committee met last week to talk about the entire 4 day conference, they talked about themes and songs and everything. They don't like "contemporary" music, so I have to select hymns. I can include a couple "contemporary" songs, but they have to be at least 5 years old for the attendees to even have a chance of knowing the songs. 

This all got me thinking about how ridiculous tradition can be for tradition-sake. It got me thinking about the church in general. 

The church. I'm talking "THE CHURCH". God's church. I'm not talking about each individual denomination, even though I'm looking directly at my own when I say all of this. I'm not trying to be hypocritical, I know that the United Methodist Church isn't exempt from this problem.

The problem is this. We are supposed to be drawing people into the Kingdom of God, right? We are supposed to be forming community with them and loving them as Christ loves us, right? So then why is the church dying? Why are people leaving the church? Why are people so against going to church? Why do people feel that the church is irrelevant? 

Irrelevant? Really? You think that I'm overly dramatic? Think again.

Abandoned?

This is my heart.

I've never been good at dealing with loss. Whatever kind of loss it is, physical, emotional, whatever. Losing something or someone always hits me really hard. I grew up feeling abandoned: by my friends, by my family, by everyone. My father left my mother when I was only a few months old. To him, his career was more important than his family, more important than raising his only son. It took me a really long time to deal with that, I still haven't completely dealt with it. He was "around" but was never really there when I needed a dad. He didn't know how to love me and teach me to be a man. My mother, bless her heart, tried; but it didn't work. She wasn't around either, so I felt abandoned by her as well. When I was growing up, the only way for her to support me was to work, which meant that she wasn't really around, so I was shipped around between babysitters and daycares most of my childhood. 

I grew up having to take care of myself. I grew such a thick skin through my childhood. I became ridiculously introverted. I would always go into my head, and disappear whenever something difficult came around. I didn't know how to deal with pretty much anything. I wasn't empowered to achieve, I was never good enough. I internalized that and it became who I thought I was. I thought that I wasn't good enough for anything, so I stopped trying. I stopped applying myself. I just stopped. I stopped caring. 

I was abandoned.

Abandoned to my family. Abandoned to my friends. Abandoned to myself.

I fought with that idea for most of my life, I still fight with it to this day. I'm not sure if I will ever conquer this fear of being abandoned. I don't let people into my life out of fear, that they will walk away too. My fear of abandonment has such power over my life. I hate admitting it, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem, right?

So... My name is Matthew, and I feel abandoned all the time.

Awake my Soul

It's a brand new day. A beautiful morning. It's a beautiful day, and I woke up with a new beat to my heart. I woke up with a new song in my spirit.

I can't even begin to explain how I can feel the way I feel right now. With everything that has been crashing down around me in the past week, I should be a smoldering pile of emotional wreckage. I should have imploded and gone down in a blaze of glorious disaster. But, I'm here. I'm standing. I'm breathing deep, and I'm moving forward.

Our God is Greater

It's been a long week.  I've been struggling with a lot of things, and they all seemed to be crashing in around me. I really wasn't sure what was going on, or where I was supposed to go from here.

I found my answer. I found what I've been looking for. I found my passion again. It's a slowly growing fire, but it's a fire nevertheless. It just needed some fuel. My fears and my pain is my fuel.

Somewhere In Between

I've been having a really tough time lately, in so many aspects of my life right now. It feels like everything is falling apart around me. I'm drowning in my own fears, and I'm tired of breaking apart. So I try to rely on Christ, and something else comes along and breaks me even farther.

I know that part of this is God trying to completely break me down and teach me to daily walk with Him, and to trust completely in Him. I know that. But it doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm not a control freak, but I like to have my feet on solid ground before I do anything. I'm hesitant, and it's so hard for me to step into the unknown. So trusting in God, is a huge step for me. I know that I can trust Him, but it's still so hard, because that would mean that I don't have any control.

I've been thinking all morning about what I'm supposed to do, and how to deal with everything. I tend to run to music in my pursuit for answers or direction. If I don't really know what I'm searching for I will just turn on my Pandora radio stations *insert shameless product plug here -- www.pandora.com* I was listening to a station I designed based off of Safetysuit, and a song by Lifehouse came on, I find it awesome that no matter what I may be thinking, Lifehouse always has a song that fits my mindset and heartbeat. The song was "Somewhere In Between" -- Youtube -- it made me think about life and everything, towards the end it says this, "would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in? Don't be surprised if I fall down at your feet again. I don't want to run away from this, I know that I just don't need this. Cause I cannot stand still, I can't be this unsturdy, this cannot be happening." 

Honestly, thats where I am right now. I'm so tired, and I'm going to fall, and I need to be caught. I'm losing my grip, and i know that He is trying to pry my fingers loose, so that I have to rely on His arms to carry me.

I am trying to trust in Him, trying to trust that he will daily lead me to where I need to go. I am trying, Lord I am trying. I'm longing for Christ to be my everything (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVJqRLU3J0I), but it's going to be a long road for me. 

Jealous King

I've been struck by this image and idea of God lately. I've been floored by the drastic measures that He will go through, just to be with us. He, our God, loves us so much that He's willing to do just about anything for us.

And within that concept, He wants to have our full devotion. He wants all of us, all the time. Not just the parts we are willing to offer, He wants everything. He loves us enough to pursue our hearts fully, and he will jealously pursue us.

A few weeks ago, at my church's college worship, I was convicted to take some time to just be and listen to what He was saying to me. I had been struggling with finding the right focus, I've been so distracted by the struggles, pains, fears, doubts, desires in my life that I was having trouble focusing on Him. So, I took some time and had a conversation with Him. I grabbed my guitar, and sat there, just plucking away and letting it speak for me. What follows is my conversation:

Jealous King

verse-

I've been trying

for so long

to follow You

but I'm distracted...

by ev'rything

in the way

of finding You

and hearing You say...

chorus-

I want to be... your only desire, your obsession

I want to be... what you crave, with full devotion

I am... the jealous kind

I am... a jealous King

verse-

Here I am

break me down

and bring me back

Lord, tell me what to do...

I don't have

words to speak

I need to hear You

and this is what you say...

chorus-

I want to be... your only desire, your obsession

I want to be... what you crave, with full devotion

I am... the jealous kind

I am... a jealous King

bridge-

ooooh... whoooa... oooh

ooooh... whoooa... oooh

let your heart burn for me

choose to follow my ways

let your life be mine to control

ooooh... whoooa... oooh

break-

I want to be... your only love, your sole passion

I want to be... where you run, with total abandon

chorus-

I want to be... your only desire, your obsession

I want to be... what you crave, with full devotion

I am... the jealous kind

I am... a jealous King

I am... a jealous King

-----

This God that we serve, He wants us completely. Not just the parts that we want Him to control. He wants us to let Him lead us. He wants us to let Him teach us. He wants us to desire Him. He wants us to yearn for Him. He wants us; jealously, completely, fully and unhindered He wants us.

It's been a while...

So.. I'm back.

I'm going to try to get back into blogging again. It's good for my soul, to put my thoughts down onto "paper".

*Heartache

I've really been struggling lately with the concept of love. I understand what love is, I can see why love is so powerful, I get that. I believe in a thing called love! *Forgive me, the reference to European hard rock was too inviting.* But I digress, I can see where love is blossomed. I can see where love is lost. I can trust in the truth of love. What I struggle with is holding onto love, when it only causes pain. the heartache of love.

Love can be such a beautiful thing. Love is so often an overpowering emotion. Our hearts are built to love. We are designed to love, with such unfathomable desire. It can be all-consuming. I know its true, I've been consumed with love. I still am consumed with it. I am in love. I don't shy away from saying that, and I would gladly challenge anyone who says that I couldn't know what love really is because I am "only a child". I'm 24, almost 25 years old, and if what I feel; is not love? then please explain to me what love is, if I'm wrong.

My heart has been aching for months now. I am and was so in love with someone, that my world was consumed by her. She was my passion, she was my desire. She is everything that I could have ever hoped and dreamed of finding in someone. She is something so precious to me.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am very much a hopeless romantic. I am sentimental. I am sweet. I am caring. I am the boy next door. I am the boy that every mother wants their daughter to date, and I'm the boy that every father respects. It's who I am, it's how I was raised. So, when I met her, I fell in love with who she was. I fell in love with her heart. Not the separate parts of her body. I fell in love with her heart. Which is why my heart aches to not have her around. My heart connected with her heart. It is a deeper love then what the world considers to be love.

The world says love is an emotional response. Psychology says love is a cognitive and social phenomenon. Biology says love is a mammalian drive, much like hunger or thirst. Tests have been done, where those infatuated by love show similarities, in brain scans, to those with a mental illness. So now love is an illness. Love shows similar brain patterns to those struggling with an addiction. *I would agree with that statement to an extent. Love is an addiction.

Yet, based on the culture that we live, are we as a whole good with dealing with addiction? No. How many drug addiction meetings, meet daily? How many doctors have to see addicts walk through their hospital doors daily? How many clinics specialize in drug and alcohol addictions? I hate to use it as an example, but Tiger Woods. How many men or even women are like Tiger, and had to admit themselves to a clinic for being addicted to sex. Sex being so closely tied to love. Our culture doesn't understand addiction and this just leads to our culture not understanding love.

Love is an addiction. I was addicted to this girl. I still am. The difference is that my addiction is healthy (to an extent). I crave having her in my life. I desire to hold her close. I yearn to see her smile. I am addicted. My heart aches for her.

Now that sounds worse then it actually is. My addiction is true and real, and I know how to deal with it. It's not a struggle to keep it in check. Love is not supposed to be held down and controlled. Love should be freeing. Love should be unhindered. Love should be shared. That is what my addiction is all about, I want to share the feelings that I have. I don't want to hold them under lock and key, which is why my heart aches.

Like I said earlier, I am a hopeless romantic. I believe that love conquers all. I don't know how I could love anyone else the way that I love her. I believe that the love I have is for a reason. I believe that it has a purpose. I believe that my love will not go unrewarded. I have held onto this love for such a long time, I believe that it is what I am supposed to do.

I guess, through that long-winded venting of mine, I have just one question for you.

Do you love?

There are so many facets to love. Parental love. Brotherly love. Plutonic love. There are so many ways to love. So I ask again, do you love? Are you addicted to that love?