Abandoned?

This is my heart.

I've never been good at dealing with loss. Whatever kind of loss it is, physical, emotional, whatever. Losing something or someone always hits me really hard. I grew up feeling abandoned: by my friends, by my family, by everyone. My father left my mother when I was only a few months old. To him, his career was more important than his family, more important than raising his only son. It took me a really long time to deal with that, I still haven't completely dealt with it. He was "around" but was never really there when I needed a dad. He didn't know how to love me and teach me to be a man. My mother, bless her heart, tried; but it didn't work. She wasn't around either, so I felt abandoned by her as well. When I was growing up, the only way for her to support me was to work, which meant that she wasn't really around, so I was shipped around between babysitters and daycares most of my childhood. 

I grew up having to take care of myself. I grew such a thick skin through my childhood. I became ridiculously introverted. I would always go into my head, and disappear whenever something difficult came around. I didn't know how to deal with pretty much anything. I wasn't empowered to achieve, I was never good enough. I internalized that and it became who I thought I was. I thought that I wasn't good enough for anything, so I stopped trying. I stopped applying myself. I just stopped. I stopped caring. 

I was abandoned.

Abandoned to my family. Abandoned to my friends. Abandoned to myself.

I fought with that idea for most of my life, I still fight with it to this day. I'm not sure if I will ever conquer this fear of being abandoned. I don't let people into my life out of fear, that they will walk away too. My fear of abandonment has such power over my life. I hate admitting it, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem, right?

So... My name is Matthew, and I feel abandoned all the time.

I took this idea of being abandoned to heart so deeply, that I mirrored that fear onto God. I was afraid that my Lord, my God, my Saviour would abandon me. I was afraid that He would become just like every other person in my life. I was so afraid of being abandoned by Christ, that I held Him at arms length for so many years. I didn't really even realize that I was completely doing that until the last couple weeks. I've gotten to my breaking point, I'm losing everything in my life that I thought was certain. I've got nothing but Christ left. And that is exactly where He wants me. He needs me to be broken, and to realize that He will NEVER abandon me. He will NEVER fail me. 

If you've read my last few posts, you've probably noticed that I am in love with the Passion 2010 CD. I've been listening to "The Stand" for the last couple days, it's on the [deluxe] edition. It's a beautiful reminder of how amazing God is, and how we should be surrendered to Him. How I need to abandon my heart into His hands.

The bridge speaks to me:

So I'll stand


With arms high and heart abandoned


In awe of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is YoursThis is my prayer for you if you're reading this:


Lord, speak into our hearts, lead us into complete abandon for You.
We want to be surrendered to Your will. 
Lord, let us be open to Your word and Your leading.
Let Your grace wash over our hearts
Purify our spirits so we can be completely devoted to You.
I seek You here in this moment to create in us a spirit 
that You can mold and use to fulfill Your will.
I ask that You remind us of Your glory
Remind us of Your power and Your presence.
Lord, speak into our hearts, we desire to hear You. 
We desire to stand in Your presence 
with our hearts abandoned, and our souls surrendered.



Let this be your prayer, and seek Him today. Abandon your heart. Surrender your soul. Let Him be your source of life. He will never abandon you.